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I was about to post about how Hollywood cares less and less about talent with each passing year and the easiest way to make it in the business is to be an opportunistic, vapid whore willing to weasel your way onto a retardadly popular, grating reality show. Then I was going to use Whitney Port as an example. Except, not anymore. Turns out Whitney does have a talent. She can fly. Holy crap!
During Madonna’s performance in New York yesterday, she told Sarah Palin to get off her street (similar to how she banned her from her party). She also threatened to kick her ass if she didn’t “get off of my street.” “It’s nothing personal. I love her soul,” Madonna sarcastically remarked.
Sarah Palin should be scared. Have you seen Madonna? She’s She-Hulk personified. She could tear Palin’s head off like those freaks at circuses do to those chickens. I’m pretty sure wherever Madonna goes, she has to register her hands as lethal weapons. One time Madonna even hugged a baby and accidentally crushed every bone in their body. True story.
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Lauren Conrad, of that retarded show The Hills, had a $118,000 Audi R8 delivered to her home yesterday. Here she is driving it. You may want to mark this down on your calendar as the day a little piece of you died. You can scribble it right under “URGENT: Buy more Ramen.”
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Angelina Jolie will be featured on the cover of the November issue of W breastfeeding one her twins. The photo is said to be part of a touching series shot by Brad Pitt.
Touching series. Sure. You know Brad just wanted people to know he’s banging Angelina Jolie and that he can take nude pics of her anytime he wanted. He’s basically taunting everyone saying, “Look, even my kid can suck on her tit. The best you can do is sit there with your hand down your pants chaffing yourself.” Well, you know what? Brad can go fuck himself. Or his amazingly hot girlfriend. Whichever one he chooses I guess.
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Did you know Gisele Bundchen has five sisters including a twin back home in Brazil? Well, she does and she supposedly sent them around $10.8 million to help support themselves and now they’re afraid they’re going to be kidnapped and held for ransom. Star says Gisele regularly deposits large sums into her parent’s account. Gisele’s sister Patricia is doing everything in her power to dispel these “rumors” saying “I have no idea who could have made up a story like that. (It’s) very very dangerous for Gisele’s family.
Telling the world that you give millions a year to your poor family in a country like Brazil is basically a death sentence. Based on all the movies I’ve seen which are definitely not built around exaggerated stereotypes, Brazil is pretty much a lawless land where justice is just another way of saying, “How much do I get out of this?” Gisele might as well mail them a box of poisonous snakes or a hungry bear. It’ll be much easier to swallow than the severed ear they’ll most likely get from the kidnappers.
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Ciara is a singer or something. I don’t know, but she’s naked on Vibe magazine which makes this post infinitely more interesting than if I found pictures of her eating a hot dog. Maybe.
Hugh Hefner finally admits his relationship with Holly Madison is over. Hugh told Marc Malkin of E!, “If she says it’s over, it’s over. But like I’ve said before, she is the love of my life, and I expected to spend the rest of my life with her.” The main reason for the split is because Holly wants marriage and children, but six months ago Hugh found out his sperm count was too low to father another child.
What a shocker. Hugh has no sperm. I thought that was obvious. You know those tests you get at the optometrist’s where they put your face up to the machine and it shoots a puff of air into your eye. That’s what it feels like for Holly when Hugh gives her a facial.
Don’t feel too bad for Hugh though. He’s already banging Kristina and Karissa Shannon, two 19-year-old twins, and has been screen testing a college senior from Georgia by the name of Amy Leigh Andrews.
If you’re wondering what Kristin and Karissa look like naked posing in front of the Playboy mansion, click here and here (NSFW).
High School Musical’s Ashley Tisdale says she and Zac Efron are mutually un-attracted to each other. Even though Zac constantly strokes Ashley’s ego by lying right to her face and telling her she “looks hot.”
“But really, it’s more like siblings than a flirty relationship - he’s seriously like my brother.”
Ashley is ugly and Zac is gay so this makes perfect sense. Ashley looks like a dog that just got hit in the nose with a rolled up newspaper. So much so that I’m surprised PETA hasn’t gone after Disney. Zac on the other hand is programmed to feign interest in women. Once he’s at home with Vanessa Hudgens, he’s all, “Stick a finger in my butt. Oh, and forget the BJ. Also, instead of a finger use this 10 inch dildo I found.”
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I doubt this is true, but Star Magazine claims Angelina Jolie came out of hiding only after she had her self-esteem boosted with a tummy tuck.
Sources tell Star that the 33-year-old actress fretted over the size of her stomach while she was pregnant with Knox and Vivienne. “She doesn’t like to talk about it or admit it, but Angie told some friends that she had a ‘mommy tuck,’ ” says a family insider. “She likes the way that sounds better than tummy tuck.”
Angelina Jolie isn’t even human. No way she needs plastic surgery. Once she popped those twins out, a light shined down from the heavens onto her stomach and made it perfect again. It’s said everyone in the delivery room orgasmed when this happened.
Gerard Butler is currently under investigation by the LAPD for allegedly punching a photog numerous times. The incident happened at around 2 a.m. on Tuesday. A photog was following Gerard’s limo when Gerard stopped, got out and asked why he was following him. The photog replied, “Hey, that’s my job.” At that point, Gerard allegedly grabbed the photog by the throat and punched him three to four times. TMZ says the 300 actor then kicked the car and went back to punch the photog another three to four times. A few stitches later, the photog filed a police report.
However, witnesses have a different account. They say Butler was provoked. Sources indicate the photog followed Gerard for hours, driving recklessly and almost hitting several pedestrians. Gerard got out and hit him in the face, but the photog followed for another hour before seeking medical attention. TMZ also learned that he spoke with a civil lawyer before filing the report.
Whatever. Gerard should have slashed his tires for added emphasis. If some psycho was chasing me around the whole day, I’d be pretty freaked out too. Especially if it was a dude. Because I don’t swing that way. At least not when sober.
[Image via TMZ]
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Michelle Rodriguez was spotted at the Mayfair Hotel and Spa in Coconut Grove, Fla. shouting at an unidentified acquaintance over the weekend. Guests at the hotel say they woke up at 9 a.m. Sunday morning to loud banging and Michelle screaming at her roommate to let her in or else she wouldn’t get her sex toy back.
“I woke up Sunday morning to the sounds of two women yelling, and one of them was smashing the door knocker very loudly,” one exhausted guest tells us. “I peeked out and saw it was [Rodriguez]. She’s screaming, ‘Open up, let me in, b——!’”
The loud knocking continued for another five minutes, says the source, until the “Girlfight” star hollered, “If you don’t open up, you’re not getting your [pleasure toy] back.” The door creaked open.
10 points to whoever guesses what the toy was. I’m thinking strap-on, although I can also picture Michelle as a dildo type of girl. In any case, sex with Michelle must be scary. She always looks angry. She seems like the type of person that’ll bring a titanium dildo to an orgy and go psycho, rupturing a few organs here and there. See Michelle, this is why no one invites you anymore.
‘Girlfight’ meets toy story for Michelle Rodriguez [NYDN]
After the debate yesterday, Barack Obama went to shake John McCain’s hand. McCain wanted none of it and pushed his wife on Obama. Burn! Shortly thereafter, McCain joked, “Here’s the sound of Barack Obama’s wife’s car when it won’t start,” followed by a loud screeching sound. Double burn!
Per Christin in the comments. They shook and embraced at some point already.
Bonus video because I’m bored. Obama is “that one” under the jump.
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For some reason I always confuse Jodie Marsh with Katie Price. It could be because they both have/had big boobs, but it could also be because I don’t care about either of them, just their big boobs. Either way, the exciting news of the day is that they’re both fun to hang out with. Jodie more than Katie. Case in point. Here’s Jodie Marsh outside of Maya in SoHo checking out some guy’s penis and flashing her panties. Normal girls wouldn’t do this. They’re too hung up on dignity and being ladylike. I mean,you flash your penis to them one time and they’re all, “What’s the number for 911?!” So uptight.
An “unimpeachable” source told TMZ that despite reports to the contrary, Jamie Lynn Spears is not pregnant again. Crap. This is really going to ruin the surprise present I sent her: A coat hanger and a vacuum cleaner. Maybe she can use them for other things like hanging up Casey’s wife beaters.
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Bless her heart. Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan walked around LA bra-less in a sheer top just because. Is it me or do Lindsay’s breasts seem to be getting bigger? I could have sworn that when I last imagined fondling them, they felt a little smaller.
Victoria Beckham and husband David have been indulging in Geisha facials, here on in to be known as bird poo facials. Victoria, having long battled with acne, says she discovered the miracle beauty treatment after learning the local Japanese women achieved their unblemished complexion by smearing nightingale feces over their faces. When Victoria returned to the US, she found a few salons in New York that offered the $200 facials. The Daily Mail reports, “She tried it and loved how great her skin looked. She also uses a cream derived from nightingale poo at home.”
Did Victoria actually see the Japanese women putting this on their faces or did they just tell her the most ridiculous thing they could think of. Was there stifled laughter when they described in broken English that covering their face with bird crap was the best thing they’ve ever done? Did they at any point after she left chuckle, “Heh heh heh. Stupid wanker.” Because these are all signs that they might not have been 100% honest.
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Paris Hilton does another Paris for President video featuring, you guessed it, Martin Sheen…