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Well, this weekend. My brother's getting married and we're having the inevitable Atlantic City bachelor party thing tomorrow through Sunday. So your old friends Richard Lawson and Hamilton Nolan have graciously stepped up to cover for me—Richard tomorrow and Hamilton on Sunday. Thanks guys! (Please don't show me up?) In the meantime, I fear a monkey-free weekend, so please click through to see some adorable—and deadly!—baby squirrel monkeys. See you all Labor Day weekend!
Okay, clearly I am going to milk this crush theme until I'm asking you all to post daguerrotypes of pre-Victorian stage performers and ballerinas. But we're not there yet! The 1960s is recent enough for all of us to have seen lots and lots of its movies and TV shows and to have developed childhood—or childlike—crushes on its many attractive stars. So, who's your fave? Mine after the jump. If you can pull yourself away from Michael Phelps for two minutes!
God help us all. Warner Bros. has decided to bring back the single most frightening children's show that was ever made—The Banana Splits. That's the Hanna-Barbera psychedelic Saturday morning mind-fuck that scrambled the brains of innocent youngsters starting in the late 1960s and continued to terrorize for more than a decade before some angel of mercy finally pulled its evil plug. It was created by hippie Satanists with the aim of building an army of plushy zombie warriors and it damned well nearly accomplished its task. And now some madman is bent on bringing it back? Stop them! Won't someone please, please think of the children?!
Hanna-Barbera’s 1960s phenom is returning in a multiplatform effort starting Sept. 2, with shorts and musicvideos airing on Cartoon Network and its website. Future efforts will include DVD and audio CD releases, as well as live performances.
Turner Animation’s Stu Snyder noted that the Splits have “been entertaining kids for years,” but the return of the property will capitalize on boomer nostalgia as well. “Go Bananas Your Way,” the new Splits album, is “intended to appeal to kids and parents,” according to the release.
Bingo, Drooper, Fleegle and Snorky’s Web presence is targeted at 4- to 7-year-olds, and the live entertainment will include a section of Myrtle Beach, S.C.’s, Hard Rock Park, to be dubbed Banana Splitsville and devoted to the cartoon characters. [Variety]
Whiney song-boy John Mayer poured his heart out to a group of paparazzi in the street about why he dumped America's sweetheart, Jennifer Aniston. "I ended a relationship because there is no lying. I ended a relationship to be alone because I don't want to waste somebody's time if something's not right. I don't waste people's time," he rambled. "I don't do 'the taper.' I guarantee you [that] 20 percent of the people on this street right now who are in a relationship wish they could get out but they don't know how. And I'm going to be honest on the way in to my relationships and I'm going to be honest on the way out of my relationships." He explained that he just had to break up with the awesome Aniston—if he hadn't, you see, he would have had to cheat on the lady. It's just as simple and innocent as that!
"I just feel like spending a million dollars right now to put a mirror in every Us Weekly so that when you're reading about it, you go, 'Oh, that was me two years ago' or 'That was me a year ago,' he said.
"You're either a cheater or you breakup. And I'm not the first. I'm the second one. And that's it. There's no lying, there's no b-llshit, I just don't want to be followed around New York City like an animal." [Us]
It takes a lot of people—and assorted creatures—to stage an epic war between the forces of good and evil that spans an entire galaxy. Sadly, most of the minor players are long forgotten thanks to scene stealers like Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and Darth Vader. But these obscure warriors are being properly celebrated today. More after the jump.
Swim demon Michael Phelps won his 8th gold medal of the 2008 Olympics last night, his 14th overall. How does he do it? It's that crazy 6'4" bod of his! "Generally, a man's arm span equals his height but in his case it's 6'7"—three inches more than his height. Naturally his arms work as powerful propulsive paddles, giving him a clear edge over others. His lower body, interestingly, is shorter than that of an average man of his height. His relatively short legs result in less drag or resistance. In short, Phelps has an upper body of a 6'8" person but his lower body seems to be of someone who is only 5'10", which also make the perfect plane in water." More science after the jump.
His size 14 feet may not dwarf Ian Thrope's size 17 but Phelps' double-jointed ankles allow him to do a ballerina's 'pointe' standing on the tips of the toes. It allows him to whip his feet as if those are flippers and break loose.
His unique constitution also produces less lactic acid than others which means Phelps takes less time to recover. And if he looks indefatigable at times, it's because of the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, which he was diagnosed with at the tender age of nine. His daily routine is equally mindboggling.
He consumes 12,000 calorie every day and trains 96 km every week. Naturally it was hardly surprising when Russian swimmer Alexander Sukhorukov went on to describe Phelps as "just a normal person, from a different planet, a planet from a different galaxy." [NDTV.com]
Last night, a mob of dangerously dancing hipsters armed with boom boxes and dressed as terrifying pandas marched from Union Square to Williamsburg, where the NYPD met them in force. Apparently, dancing and loud music on a hot August evening can lead to any end of mischief, so our boys and girls in blue twisted arms, threw people down, and destroyed at least one portable stereo.
Reports one eyewitness: "The last straw for the police was when a really good song came on a boom box that this guy was holding on his shoulder a few feet away from me. The cops must have known that something sinister was taking place because there were at least 10 people dancing to the music. Then a cop grabbed the guy with the boom box by the back of his arm and yanked him into the street, pushing him to the ground and making him loose grip of the stereo. Now, I know that dancing is illegal and also a sin, but I think there was excessive force used in this situation. The stereo fell, batteries flying everywhere, and when a few of his friends picked it up, a woman cop angrily lunged for the boom box and tried to further dismantle it!"
Plenty of pictures, video, and more citizen journalism on what will be know for the next day or two as The Williamsburg Riot can be found at FreeWilliamsburg and Gothamist.
Look at it this way. Chill with the old dude a couple nights a week, donate his $10,000 to Meals on Wheels, and then write about your life-changing experience on the front page of The New York Times Magazine. Next, you parlay that little gem into best-selling memoir. The critics don't know how not to rave about such a thing. You'll get on Oprah, housewives will throw money at you. And, most importantly, you just might learn a thing or two about the little bundle of troubles that is you. Click through for full-size image. [Craigslist]
Suck it, London! Better luck next time, Tokyo! Paris, you're over! New York City is the most competitive city in the whole wide world, says this handy chart from The Economist. "The study ranks 500 cities on their ability to attract and use resources to generate wealth. The cities are assessed on nine measures, including income, economic growth, innovation, jobs, prices and the presence of multinational firms." Just one problem...
Competitive people are assholes, and there are too goddamn many of them here!
Iron Man star Robert Downey Jr. will not be jumping from Marvel to D.C. anytime soon. In an interview with MovieHole.net to promote Tropic Thunder, the dashing actor fearlessly tore the ass off The Dark Knight and the comic empire behind it. "Didn't get it," he said, "still can't tell you what happened in the movie, what happened to the character and in the end they need him to be a bad guy. I'm like, 'I get it. This is so high brow and so fucking smart, I clearly need a college education to understand this movie.' You know what? Fuck DC comics. That's all I have to say and that's where I'm really coming from."
Downey also explained, "My whole thing is that that I saw The Dark Knight. I feel like I'm dumb because I feel like I don't get how many things that are so smart. It's like a Ferrari engine of storytelling and script writing and I'm like, 'That's not my idea of what I want to see in a movie.' I loved The Prestige but didn't understand The Dark Knight."
And don't bother warning him about possible reprisals for such loose talk. "You know, you're never too old to burn your bridges because I believe I have offended everyone. I think I've got a couple more. 'I'll burn that bridge when I come to it' is my favourite phrase I've ever coined." [via OhNoTheyDidn't]
A group of yarn enthusiasts—who are also dedicated fans of best-selling Discworld author Terry Pratchett—wanted to present their favorite writer with something cool at the Edinburgh International Book Festival yesterday, so they got together and knitted a quilt, or afgan... er, Pratchgan! The group calls itself the Anhk Morpork Knitter's Guild, after the leading city in the funny-as-hell series, and the Pratchgan features images and phrases sure to delight anyone who loves orangutan librarians, black-clad assassins, talking dogs, the Grim Reaper, or vampires who've sworn off the B-word. The knitters say they were inspired to create the Pratchgan when Pratchett was diagnosed with rare early-onset Alzheimer's disease late last year. More photos and links after the jump.
For close-ups of the squares, go here.
[Woolly-knit-bits via BoingBoing]
Our little end-of-the-day fun-fests have ignored the golden—er, black and white—age of movies and TV for far too long. We all know that many of the most important and memorable moments for both mediums occurred before the widespread use of color film kicked in, and before color film was even invented at all, for that matter. So let us celebrate our colorless faves this evening. I'll kick it off with the series that sent me to sleep every night as a kid.
Howard Stern and fiancee/model Beth Ostrosky are supposedly getting married today, presumably at his/their place in the Hamptons. According to "Howard 100 News" reporter Lisa G., they planned a casual, barefoot ceremony on the beach. Only, where are the paparazzi and the helicopters? Where is the army of Post reporters filing dispatches from the Island? Is this all just some misdirection by Page Six chief Richard Johnson in order to snag an invite to the real ceremony in another location? Where are the pictures? And Beth says she planning to run a marathon in the morning. Does that make sense? [P6] Update: Lovable stammerer Ellen Degeneres probably married her smoking-hot fiancee Portia De Rossi today as well, in their gazillion-dollar Beverly Hills Xanadu! Oh, the love!
The fighting between Russia and Georgia took its toll on Georgian President Mikhail Saakashvili. Footage of the embattled leader literally putting his necktie in his mouth and chewing on it while taking what was clearly a stressful phone call started making the rounds today. The BBC even used it to illustrate a story on the ceasefire, saying Saakashvili "chews over his next move." See for yourself after the jump.
Thirteen-time gold medalist swimmer Michael Phelps is such a big American hero and super-mega-champion, right? That's just what they want you to believe. In fact, his .01 second victory—the lowest margin of difference allowed in official swimming competitions—over Serbia's Milorad Cavic in the 100 meter butterfly yesterday was a giant scam! In fact, it was all part of an elaborate plot between Phelps, the U.S. government, NBC, and time-keeping overlord OMEGA! Don't believe the chlorinated hype!
0.01 OF A SECOND?
Yes, the underwater sensors of the official timekeeper of the event, the watchmaker Omega, have determined that Michael Phelps, has won this race by 0.01 of a second.
0.01 OF A SECOND?
Was this an ad for a watchmaker or what?
But the devil is indeed in the detail.
How is it that the official timekeeper of the event is the same company that sponsors Phelps since 2004? Isn't there a clear conflict of interest here? And why are leading FINA officials unashamedly and brazenly the biggest cheerleaders of Michael Phelps? We are not talking about NBC and other American-broadcasters who have clear interest in weaving the "narrative" in quest for the largest share of ratings, and for their economical ends, for purposes of appeasing to their advertisers who buy such overpriced ad slots. [001ofaSecond.com]
It's Madonna's 50th birthday today! And not 36 like her whacky religion says. Anywho, just to ensure that this event doesn't encroach upon some perfectly innocent item, please feel free to celebrate—or bash—the most famous woman on earth on her B-day to your heart's content in the comments. And if you come across other pics of her from back when she was adorable, that would be awesome too!
Okay, it's lazy time. See you guys in a few hours. In the meantime, please enjoy these baby goats honing their killing skills.
As you may have read, yesterday master of comedy Bill Murray jumped out of an airplane over Chicago to kick off the city's 50th annual Air and Water Show. And now there's video of the fearless funnyman's free fall. It's Bill Murray—versus gravity! Must see!
Comedian Roseanne Barr took to her website yesterday and unloaded on everyone. Hey, it's fun! On Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: "jon voight your evil spawn angelina jolie and her vacuous hubby brad pitt make about forty million dollars a year in violent psychopathic movies and give away three of it to starving children trying to look as if they give a fuck about humanity as they spit out more dunces that will consume more than their fair share and wreck the earth even more." And that's tepid compared with what she serves up for Voight himself, George Bush, John Edwards, and his former mistress Rielle Hunter.
Jon Voight: "is a frightened little girl in a pink ballet tutu, who acts like Obama just wandered in from the rain forest with a bone thru his nose and a communist pamphlet in his loincloth. The neocons who own jon voight and make him dance on the chabad telethons are the worst most elitist people on earth. glen beck and jon voight are their bitches... both of them are used tampons who must be flushed down the toilet immediately!"
Bush/Edwards/Hunter: "john edwards is an asshole but bush stole all of our money and killed innocent babies and children and women with it...there's a frickin scandal for ya! and he doesn't even have to answer for it one one hundredth as much as edwards is being assailed for fucking one slutty coke whore. The media cares more about sneaky sex than about torture death and holocaust." [RoseanneWorld via OhNoTheyDidn't]
Former child actress Lindsay Lohan is defending her kid sister, reality TV actress Ali Lohan, against rumors that the youngster has had breast augmentation surgery. When someone posed the question, Linds ripped the bounder apart on her Myspace page. "It made me feel a bit sick to my stomach," she wrote. "My response simply was, 'Did you really just ask me that? She is a 14-year-old girl, and you are a pedophile!'" She then goes on to stand up for her mom.
"All I am trying to say is that I was raised with a wonderful family surrounding me. Of course, we have our ups and downs, but all in all, my mother taught us to appreciate what we have been given. Nor would she ever encourage, or allow a 14-year-old child to alter her body. I am not judging people that do, but I am just saying that its not something that my family finds necessary to do, especially when you're not even fully developed yet!" [Star]