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ANALYSIS,
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In the beginning of Jamie Lynn Spears’ pregnancy, Nickelodeon released a statement saying they respect her for taking responsibility and that their primary concern was for her well being. Apparently, that was just to buy time to come up with a two part Zoey 101 episode called, Goodbye Zoey.
The plot outline is “Zoey is offered a chance to move to London with her parents.” Expect Nickelodeon to write an epilogue before the final credits for the large contingent of pre-teen fans. Something touching like, “Zoey 101 is going on indefinite hiatus because Jamie-Lynn is a whore.”
Update: According to the people below, this was already filmed and either this season or next season was supposed to be the last season regardless. I still think they should put that tribute at the end.
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For anyone who didn’t already know, Lynne Spears thinks of her two kids as cash cows and uses every opportunity she has to cash in on their fame. Even if it means forcing them into the spotlight and selling their stories to the highest bidder. Us says Lynne Spears made sure to keep Britney out of the loop on the OK! Magazine deal to make sure Britney didn’t screw up Lynne’s payday. Us Weekly talked to some of Jamie’s friends who said she never even wanted to be a celebrity while her co-star on Zoey 101 says,
“Jamie wanted something different for her life, and her mom put her in situations she didn’t want to be in,”
What a fantastic mother. The first thing Lynne Spears probably did when Jamie told her she was pregnant was make that slot machine lever pulling motion with her arm and go “Cha-ching!”
In other news, there’s a rumor that Casey Aldridge is being paid off to pretend he’s the father to cover up for an older executive who works on Zoey 101 so he won’t face statutory rape charges. Wow. Being a Spears must feel like living in a magical fairy tale full of never ending possibilities.
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OK! Magazine caught up with Lindsay Lohan and asked her how she felt about the whole 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears pregnancy thing. Lindsay’s answer?
“Not much,” before asking, “Why do people think it’s such a big deal?”
It’s really not a big deal. The only important thing is that now people have proof that every female in the Spears’ family is an idiot. All Jamie had to do was open up a magazine to see her sister plastered over every page trying to coat check her screaming babies at clubs. Isn’t the possibility of hindering your hedonistic lifestyle enough reason to practice safe sex? Britney would say “definitely”. I’m positive that if she found out you couldn’t leave your babies in the trunk of a car for 6 hours while you drowned your liver in alcohol, she would have never popped two out.
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Casey Aldridge and Jamie Lynn Spears may not even be together anymore according to his MySpace page. The 19-year-old would be father has written, “ME AND JAMIE ARE OVER….. :(” next to his picture. Then again, MySpace Casey also claims to be 17; possibly indicating this profile is fake or possibly to avoid a rape charge. Clever guy. The cops will never suspect a thing.
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Jamie Lynn Spears and her mother have not yet been paid for their OK! Magazine interview. That’ll happen when the baby is born as all parties have agreed to a $1 million payday for a photoshoot with the future bastard child. The reason for the small sum is because Jamie isn’t internationally known and naturally, it wouldn’t make sense if they can’t sell magazines overseas. TMZ explains,
Sources close to Britney’s family tell TMZ it all started when Britney melted down on an OK! Magazine photo shoot. Britney’s mom, Lynne, read the article (who didn’t?!) and called OK! personally to thank them “for handling it so well.” She stayed in touch with OK!, and called them this week when she learned that news of Jamie’s pregnancy was about to break. Her only requirement? Keep Britney out of it. This is about Jamie Lynn. “She trusted them to do it in a way that would be sympathetic to her daughter,” our source says.
Sources also say Jamie may be more than 12 weeks pregnant and the baby may be due in spring. There’s a lesson to be learned from this whole debacle. It’s that if you’re somewhat famous, mildly retarded, know nothing about sex and the guy you’re with impregnates you, accept nothing short of $1 million to whore out your unborn. Anything less is an insult.
Besides all this teenage pregnancy stuff, there hasn’t been a lot of mention that her boyfriend is 19 and she’s only 16. I keep expecting Chris Hansen from Dateline to pop-up at any moment and shake his head in disapproval, but he hasn’t. Oh… wait.
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In the least surprising news of the day, Lynne Spears’ parenting book has been “delayed indefinitely“. In essence, it’s pretty much canceled despite the spokeswoman for the publishing company saying otherwise. Huh. That’s quite strange.
You’ll also be surprised to learn 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears and 19-year-old boyfriend, Casey Aldridge, were in “complete and total shock” over the pregnancy. Who knew that you could get pregnant when the woman was on top or when you douche right away. What is that? A one in a million chance? Crazy.
What message does she want to send to other teens about premarital sex? “I definitely don’t think it’s something you should do; it’s better to wait,” she told the magazine. “But I can’t be judgmental because it’s a position I put myself in.”
Jamie is still an idiot. There’s no mention of birth control, condoms or that third option that proved so successful for her older sister; spinning around in a circle after sex. According to Britney, the spinning motion creates a vortex in the vagina which sucks the sperm straight out.
I also like how her and her mother went straight to the press before even telling Britney. I thought that was a nice touch.
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16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears revealed to OK! Magazine that she is pregnant in a six page interview to be released tomorrow. TMZ has confirmed it. I’m now taking bets on who’s dumber and a bigger whore. Jamie Lynn or Britney Spears. Odds are still in Britney’s favor.
She tells the mag that the father is Casey Aldridge, who she has been dating for some time and first met at church. Brit’s younger sister, star of Nick’s “Zoey 101,” says she’s keeping the baby. Sources tell us that she has not yet told her older sister.
Nickelodeon released this statement.
“We respect Jamie Lynn’s decision to take responsibility in this sensitive and personal situation. We know this is a very difficult time for her and her family, and our primary concern right now is for Jamie Lynn’s well being.”
Is there anything that can keep this family from breeding? Some sort of clandestine operation perhaps? The Spears family is polluting the gene pool. That’s some sort of crime against humanity, right? Are there no government sanctions we can put on them? I’m really confused.
The only good thing that’ll come out of this teen pregnancy is that Britney’s kids can play with Jamie’s kids. They can discuss politics, stocks, the best way to run head first into a wall, eating glue and so on. In about 8 years, they may even be ready to socialize with normal kids and maybe even be ready to, dare I say it, attend kindergarten.
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