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The date: October 15th
The time: 8 p.m
The place: 259 W. 4th Street
Sighted: "I saw Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady this Monday at Extra Virgin and they were fighting. Everybody was looking at them, until Gisele left Tom at the table—seated alone! Drama!"

The sun may be setting on the fairy-tale love story of Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen. Born out of the football-player's maybe-cheating on impregnated girlfriend Bridget Moynahan, the Tom-Gisele union seemed destined to succeed, and it appeared that at last these two deserving individuals had finally found a love true and pure.

And yet recently, preoccupied with the rigors of his new ad campaign for sleazebag cowboy cologne Stetson (not to be confused with Shania by Stetson) and busy with the new son that he never sees, Tom appears to be losing interest in his Victoria's Secret girlfriend. The luster of banging an aging supermodel has understandably worn thin, and the time has come to trade in for a younger and thinner model who preferably speaks better English.

Sensing her man slipping away, Gisele at first tried to play nice with Bridget and curry Tom's favor by thoughtfully sending Bridget a onesie for the bastard child that said "Supermodel" on it. But as the public fights with Tom continued, Gisele knew that she was at a crossroads with only two options—either get plastic surgery or get pregnant. Indeed, every self-respecting woman knows that the best way to keep a man who is slipping away is to juice up the implants, fake a miscarriage, or up the ante and really get pregnant. But while plastic surgery is forever, pregnancy is fleeting and children can be ignored. If Gisele wants to keep her man, it's time to go fishing—fishing in the trash for used condoms, that is. It didn't work for Bridget, but the second time's the charm.

Since Gisele is a savvy businesswoman, as evinced by her line of gorgeous peasant sandals, odds are she'll shrewdly choose the pregnancy route that will at least temporarily prolong her relationship with Tom. While this spells good news for Gisele, it is bad news for the American—we taxpayers who must shoulder the burden of yet another unwed mother draining our welfare system. .

Hey, the list of most popular baby names in New York City came out today! It's here! For boys: Joshua is #4! Jayden is #5! Elijah is #28! Alex is #44! There were 82 Malachis! 92 Menachems! 32 Ashtons and 32 Dovs! For girls: Emily is #2! Sigh. Also there are 102 girls named Genesis, poor things. No Gingerlys or Dillingers... yet.

The date: October 9, 2007
The place: 43rd and Broadway
Sighted: "Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony came out of the elevators as I was walking through my lobby this morning. She looked gorgeous and was dressed in quite a baggy shirt... hmmm. And Skeletor was... well... skeletal."

You have to imagine that Jennifer Lopez has been less than pleased with the way things have shaken out since the end of that Bennifer mess in 2004. Sure, she managed to get herself revenge-married within six months, but Ben Affleck got married too and in the type of checkmate move that almost makes you respect him and his enormous head, he managed to get his new lady pregnant before the wedding.

Now, the two of them are walking around town sporting one of the most adorable babies out there and JLo's stuck with Marc Anthony, who, while appropriately-sized, is not the creature she envisioned would be suckling at her breast more than three years into the marriage. Add to that the fact that both her music and acting careers seemed to have stalled and you just know that Jennifer Lopez has been working and planning for this baby/career-resurgence for a while.

First, she got Scientology. She won't admit it and probably doesn't even actually believe in it, but obviously since the two times a month she got drunk enough to sleep with Marc Anthony were not yielding desired results, she took the necessary steps. Because, maybe he's an alien that lives in a volcano, or something, but when it comes to making adorable babies, Xenu is clearly your guy.

After Scientology knocked her up—we normal people don't have the money or fame to ever know or understand the exact process of how that happens—she developed a pre-baby project. Obviously, you can't launch a baby with nothing behind it, that's in poor taste. It doesn't matter if said project is any good, or even remotely creatively-titled. The less work put into it the better. Stress is no good for baby.

Right now she's doing the necessary baby promotion, which she obviously planned for by designing an entire wardrobe that made her look pregnant in which she could be photographed while coyly refusing to answer questions about her pregnancy. She is clearly milking this stage, but who can blame her? She put the work in. And surely today's Us Weekly cover is just a prelude to the two-part Diane Sawyer sit-down in a softly-lit room.

There is one thing that is vaguely upsetting about all of this—it's unoriginal. Popping out a kid to salvage a fading career has been done more times than Jennifer's nose. In fact, Halle Berry is doing it right now. We simply expect more from the woman who brought us "Maid in Manhattan." Does she not realize she's gonna be splitting the covers when she loses all her baby weight in ten days? And there's no way the book she's already written about her battle with post-partum depression is gonna sell as well with Halle's out there at the same time.