84630 items (0 unread) in 24 feeds
Related tags: J [+], weinstein [+], J. [+], signature [+], lilo [+], levin [+], cipriani [+], Victoria [+], Penelope [+], Nichols [+], Lohan [+], Lindsay [+], Cruz [+], Beckham [+], with [+], Unqualified [+]
When it comes to knowing the right people in Hollywood, it would appear that Penelope Cruz has her bases covered. And last night she was spotted having dinner with bigwig producer Harvey Weinstein.
The “Vanilla Sky” beauty looked cute in a low-cut black-with-colorful-accents blouse and a pair of vintage wash jeans as she schmoozed with the studio exec on their way to the swanky Cipriani restaurant.
She’s been living in the United States for over a year now, but Victoria Beckham still loves to visit her Mother England. And earlier today she was spotted doing some promotional work in Manchester.
The Spice Girls gal schmoozed with fans and signed autographs at the Harvey Nichols store where her new fragrance ‘Signature’ was being launched.
Harvey Levin, the schlocky managing editor of thieving celebrity news conglomerate TMZ, will have you know he's just a naturally honest man playing this dirty game. "We don't want to be a red carpet," he said, strangely, during a July interview at the EconCeleb conference. Harvey has drawn a very clear line for himself about what he will and won't cover; a line that goes back and forth and around in pinwheels until we really don't know if he's just messing with all of us:
“I won’t do stolen documents, I won’t do medical records if someone hands it.” He tossed someone out of his office for trying to shop Michael Jackson documents because he was sure they were stolen from a law firm...
Even Levin can still be shocked: “When Britney Spears was in the hospital, it was shocking to me but we were contacted by medical personnel. ... You really have to draw the line.” They don’t skip medical stories—TMZ broke the Dennis Quaid story about his newborn twins being overdosed and might report on how Spears is doing anecdotally during a hospital stay. The hardest decision Levin’s had to make: publishing Alec Baldwin’s voice-mail tirade aimed at his daughter.
He lost some sleep over that one.
[Paid Content. Watch a clip of the interview here]
Today's story about Harvey Weinstein's financial bind—which would explain why the film producer is even more obnoxious than usual—reminded a Gawker commenter of a story. An acquaintance of Cajunboy took an internship at Miramax when the Disney mini-studio was still run by the Weinstein brothers. The intern managed to avoid the legendarily monstrous boss—until one fateful day.
When he noticed who the passenger was that was exiting the car, [redacted] said that he became nervous and turned his head and eyes to the ground as Weinstein approached the entrance to the building. Suddenly he noticed that weinstein's steps had ceased. he looked up to find Weinstein standing there just staring at him.
"Who the fuck are you?"
"I work for you. I'm an intern."
"Oh yeah. Well what's your name?"
"My name is [redacted] sir."
"Really? Well guess what [redacted]? from now on I'm going to call you Fuckface."
And with that, weinstein turned and walked into the building. But throughout the course of [redacted]'s remaining time interning at Miramax, Weinstein was true to his word.
"For the rest of the time that I was there, Harvey called me Fuckface. I would pass him in the hall and he'd say 'what's going on Fuckface?' Once I was in the elevator and he stepped on with other people and he introduced me to everyone with him as Fuckface."
[Cajun Boy In The City]
Welcome to the day after J. Harvey's birthday edition of Unqualified. I'm one year older without a drug problem and I received an air conditioner to combat Boston's brutal heat this week. I'd say I'm ahead of the game. I am now free to pursue my drinking in a climate-controlled environment.
You're in luck this week, because I received such a hot letter. I literally had to share it with other people to get their take on it. Seriously. I consulted the boyfriend, my younger brother, and even a wise and wonderful friend of Ri-Ri Harvey. I almost brought it up to the girl at Starbucks's but she probably would have thought I was working out some kind of fantasy and called the police. This female letter writer is engaged to a guy who can't bang her without his stuffed rabbit on the bed. Intrigued? I am. Keep reading...
Yeah, I know I said this column was moving to Wednesday but the friggin' Denise Richards show didn't tape on my DVR and her recap is supposed to be taking over this space. Either my DVR has an attitude problem, or the boyfriend doesn't understand the importance of me following every aspect of that tramp's life.
Anyway, here we are again on a Tuesday and someone really really wants a gay guy as a friend. Keep reading.
Hallo, one and all! This week I'd like to start with an update on a previous letter (clink the link to read it). Sean (a Socialite Life reader's boyfriend) wrote me and asked how to deal with the male security guard at work who was on his jock. Well, it all turned out for the best!
Hi J,Thanks for the advice about the security guard. I wasn't thinking of myself as a sexual harassment victim but I guess I was in a way. A few days before your response there was a change in the situation. My boss saw the guy try to touch me and that I was dodging the advances. My boss called me into his office and we chatted. He asked if I wanted to make a formal complaint and have him fired. I didn't want the guy to lose his job. So the guy has been reassigned to another section of the building and is working a different shift.
After he was reassigned, he came up to me and said that now that we wouldn't be working together we should go out on a date. I told him "No man... I love vag!" Just kidding about that last part.
Take care.
Sean
And my advice didn't have anything to do with what happened, so no one can blame or sue me! Yay! Thanks for updating us, Sean! And now, the present. This one's pretty much a a no-brainer, but I feel for this guy despite his crazy. Seriously, he knows it. The subject field of his e-mail was "I am a dumb ass." Keep reading...
Office drama is what we seem to be specializing in lately over here at Unqualified. This concerned reader (concerned for her damn self!) wants to know how to handle an affair that her coworkers are having. I say join in! Nothing alleviates the boredom of a drudgey office position than a threesome! Ok, I really don't advise that. I guess. Keep reading...
What is happening in people's offices? A couple of weeks back, some biddy's Power Bars were causing a stink. Literally. Now a beloved reader wants to know what to do with a co-worker who thinks she's at the titty bar. On stage. And taking fives. We need to do better as a country. Keep reading...
Oh, you people need to hear this one. Meet "Sister with a Normal Name." She's got a problem with her sister. Rainbow. Even if this letter is total bullshit, I want to thank the person who let me write about a ho named Rainbow. Keep reading...
Hey kids! Welcome back to the worst advice column you're ever going to read. Seriously, I must have caused at least three divorces, five incidents of parents returning their newly adopted children back to the orphanage, six catfights and a suicide by now. This week we have a situation near and dear to my heart - a Mom trying to help her son come out of the closet. Christ, my advice is going to cause him to run to one of those ex-gay organizations before he's even gay. Keep reading...
Welcome to "Unqualified with J. Harvey": Red Sox Opening Day Version! I just saw the Dunkie's commercial in which Jonathan Papelbon keeps getting his ass smacked so I'm kinda turned on. I think it's only appropriate that we have some sweaty security guard man-sex! No, really. Keep reading....
It emerged in court papers that movie mogul Harvey Weinstein once said to NBC CEO Jeff Zucker, "You can only have in your life five true friends and I consider you one of my five friends. And I'm telling you, I will not embarrass you." Weinstein, of course, did go on to embarass Zucker by selling his show to another network, according to NBC's suit. But what's with this "five true friends" thing?
Weinstein's media buddies Graydon Carter, Rupert Murdoch, Anna Wintour, Mort Zuckerman, Michael Bloomberg, Les Moonves and Lorne Michaels would never have fit in the inner circle with Zucker, to say nothing of the other 300 media elite at Weinstein's December wedding. Presumably, those are friends of a sort other than "true." Good luck getting your wedding gifts back, pawns. [WSJ]
I know how pathetic that sounds. But I do. I need friends on Facebook, MySpace, Buzznet and Famesters! I'm a social person and I want to be up, close and personal with all of our Socialite Life readers! Ok, that wasn't meant to sound creepy. Anyway, check out my pages and friend me and I will friend you right back. Because you are so beautiful. To me. Can't you see?
I would bake all of you cookies in return but I don't trust my stove. One of my burners doesn't work and all it does is hiss gas and make a funny smell. What do you mean you don't use a burner to make cookies? Whatever!
Last week's column caused all sorts of controversy about the role of bridesmaids, exactly how much you should spend on a bachelorette party and how some sisters will f*ck with your dress on their wedding day to make you look bad. Things got heated! I love opening a dialogue! These week's e-mail is from a girl with a stank co-worker. And I don't mean personality-wise. Keep reading....
Radar's "Harvey Weinstein judges your worst possible movie pitch" feature is actually pretty funny! But guys, this thing looks suspiciously like that notoriously terrible thing. [Radar]
I don't know what's wrong with these people, but they keep having me on. In my first time calling in anywhere since that time I tried to ask Paul Driscoll out on a date on WFNX here in Boston, "The Daily Special" had me call in yesterday and discuss that giant tranqulizer we refer to as the Oscars. Honestly, it was 8 AM and I recycled jokes i made in my Oscar liveblogging but what are you gonna do? I'm not exactly a morning person. Neither am I a comedian. I'm just a cranky troll. Thanks once again to the lovely Kimberly Rae Miller and the always cool people at elasticwaist.com and dailyspecialshow.com. Check it out!
11:54 PM EST - I have to add that the best part of the Oscars this year was Gary Busey attacking Jennifer Garner. When Gary Busey attacks! Did he have bald patches like a dog with mange? It was the hottest moment of an incredibly boring show. People are already replaying it over and over. Check YouTube. It's a joy! I also love how everyone keeps hinting that Sarah Larson is a golddigging casino slut but saying it in nice terms.
11:43 PM EST - Time to celebrate directing! Martin Scorcese's in the hizzy. He got Lorraine Bracco to do that hot scene where she screams and cries against the ugly wallpaper on top of Ray Liotta in "Goodfellas" like a wailing Italian banshee. The Cohens won it again. Why? They're just going to stand around with bad teeth and act ashamed! Give it to someone who will cry! This is Francis McDormand's husband talkin'. He's a lucky man, because she's Francis McDormand. Here's Denzel looking fed-up and very Louis Gosset Jr. What's up his ass? Here's Best Picture! Jesus Christ, the Cohens do it again! Can Francis speak? At least we know someone will pick up the damn pace. Cormac McCarthy's in the house. Does Jack Nicholson always get the front row? Is it in his lifetime contract? Yay! A gay won! Scott Rudin thanked his dude! And with that, I'm out. I need to lay down. Tell me how you stayed awake through that! I jabbed myself in the arm with a pushpin! Repeatedly.
More Oscar liveblogging, after the jump!
So some of you fine people actually checked out my liveblogging of the Grammys! So I'm doing it again! Please join me as I liveblog the Oscars this Sunday (2/24) on ABC at 8 pm EST. There's a possibility I might actually start coverage a little earlier to catch the disasters on the Red Carpet, so stay tuned. Join me, please! I will be terribly lonely without you! This handle of wine can't comment back!
So some of you fine people actually checked out my liveblogging of the Grammys! So I'm doing it again! Please join me as I liveblog the Oscars this Sunday (2/24) on ABC at 8 pm EST. There's a possibility I might actually start coverage a little earlier to catch the disasters on the Red Carpet, so stay tuned. Join me, please! I will be terribly lonely without you! This handle of wine can't comment back!
So some of you fine people actually checked out my liveblogging of the Grammys! So I'm doing it again! Please join me as I liveblog the Oscars this Sunday (2/24) on ABC at 8 pm EST. There's a possibility I might actually start coverage a little earlier to catch the disasters on the Red Carpet, so stay tuned. Join me, please! I will be terribly lonely without you! This handle of wine can't comment back!
I know, I know. What an honor. Hey team - ProjRun is winding down, Nip/Tuck has put the cap on its disgust for another season and I'm only left with Top Model's new season beginning this week to recap! Please, if you could, take a moment to use the comment boards to suggest what TV shows I should recap next. We're dying to hear your feedback! Please, all six of you!
What are the odds of my slacker ass being asked back on a sparkling webcast like "The Daily Special"? Damn, and I didn't even have to sleep with anybody! The lovely vivacious Kim and the gang from elasticwaist.com had me back on to talk about who's cool with their weight, Kirstie Alley attributing her weight loss to spacegods, and what Britney and her drama gang have been up to (note: this was taped prior to her release). Special thanks to Kim, Sarah, Sebastian, Nazy and co. for having me back on! I was so honored!
On a sidenote - and I have to tell this story because this guy had me laughing - my cab driver in NYC found out I was from Boston and began laughing at me over the Superbowl. I don't really care that much. I mean, I watched it. It's big guys in visible jockstraps, are you kidding? But I wasn't on a ledge over it or anything like some people. The cabbie captured my heart by summing up the game for Boston fans like this:
"it's like when you're with your girl, and you're f*cking her, and you're about to [derogatory word for male ejaculation] and you realize she's a guy! And you're like AAAAIIEEEEEEEEHHHH!!"
I don't think he was that far off. New York - we love it!
Hey kids. This week we have a love problem. This chick Rachael treated her man like dookie, and now he's gun-shy around her and she realized she might love his ass. That's a tough one. Keep reading. Be warned, she just launches into it!
ok well i was with this man his name is jimmy for about four years on and off. this relationship started when i was about 15 and i am now 19. when i was 18 i moved away to go to college and we stayed together at first but i was kind of crazy and like wanted to go out and experience my new freedom so things didnt work out. as of right now we are not together. i am still in love with him, i dont know if he is the right one for me or if i just still like him because hes so familiar but his feelings are not the same. throughout our reltationship he was totally in love with me he chased me for like a year and we were friends for a while before we got together and since he was so in love with me i never thought he would leave me, so i didnt exactly treat him that great, and so now that were not together he like he says he doesnt feel the same way about me because i treated him so bad in the past. i dont know what to do like there are alot of other guys i could be with but im scared to get close to another guy again and like when i go back to visit my parents i see him sometimes and weve hooked up since weve been broken up and i know he thinks im hot and stuff i just dont know if i can get him back emotionally. so im just asking basically if i should continue living like this just waiting for him to realize or if i should just move on. i have dated casually a few other guys but nothing this deep.
thanks for your advice let me know what you think
xo
Rachael
In my head, I could literally hear her jabbering that at me without pausing for a breath. Slow down on the Red Bulls, chica! This is a tough one because I'm thinking you're sorta at fault since I read you treated him all wrong. But people learn. Keep reading.
This is a tough one. Firstly, I have some questions. What does this person do? I'm dying to know. Work for Oxfam? Can I have her frequent flyer miles in payment for the advice? Bitch sounds like she gets around the globe. Anyway, keep reading for some tips to help her out.
Hey kids. Last week, we dealt with clothing and this week it's bitchery. This "A Socialite's Life" reader has a friend who's acting stank and then some. She's already put the kibosh on the friendship and now needs to tell the friend why. Keep reading.
Dear J.,
So, one of my closest friends for the last three years is a real
bitch. When she'd not being a bitch she really is the nicest, coolest
person to hang out with. She's usually a bitch when she's been
drinking and her excuse for not apologizing for it is that she can't
apologize for something she can't remember doing. So, I usually let it
go. But, there are times when she is a bitch; ie; mean, spiteful and
plain rude, even when she's sober and I have had enough of it. So, now
I would rather not have her be an everyday fixture in my life. And she
wants to know why I don't want to talk to her all the time anymore. My
question is this, how do you tell a bitch she's a bitch? It's not like
I haven't tried. She's just a bitch!!!
GingerBreath
PS. I think you are hilarious.
Well, I'm glad someone does. Thanks, Ginge. Recently, I didn't realize that Adnan Ghalib would be considered Asian and every snotty bitch came out of the woodwork to march in the "J. Harvey Is A Dumb Slut" parade. I'n here to entertain and inform and this shit ain't politcally correct all the time! And if everyone is so damn smart and well-informed, what the hell are you doing reading MY posts? I barely finished high school and I can't make change in my head! Read Lisa's, she's wicked smaht. Oh, wait, GingerBreath had a problem. Keep reading.
Back with advice for your ass in 2008! Karate kick! Applause! This next letter is totally hot because I seriously think the chick thinks I'm either Mr. or Ms. Jay from "America's Next Top Model". I LOVE IT. So picture me as either bleach blond and orange in a lot of Diesel ugliness or tall, black and crazy with an Afro. We commence!
Dear J,
You are awesome, I'm surprised and delighted to finally find out that you have a blog. I have a question for you:
I am fashion retarded! I have been trying to be more daring and suave but I end up wearing the same 6 or 7 outfits to work. Even if they are better looking then the 4 or 5 I was wearing before my shopping trips it still makes me feel bland to be wearing the same outfits over and over. I have one pair on pants that I really like and routinely wear them every day with a wash here and there when I spill something on them, gross I know. What is the secret to having a great wardrobe without spending thousands and making them feel and look different from day to day? I started out as a tom boy and wore black t-shirts and jeans through most of my high school years. When I grew into myself and became leaner I discovered I could look like a girl and still be comfortable. Now I work in an office and I am bored with the no jeans, slacks & dickies looks. I hate wearing skirts to work because the thermometer here is run by constantly hot flashing women who will rip my eyes out of my head if I even try to touch the thermostat and it's freezing most the time. Most of the stylish shirts I own right now, from a very successful shopping trip, are cut kind of low and make me very aware of what my boobs are doing during the day.
Thanks!
Carmen
Girl, you need to make it fashion and come alive for this shoot! And not look like some kind of broken down busted up doll on the runway. Smile with your eyes like Ty Ty! Ok, that was my Mr. and Ms. Jay speak. I will actually try to help this chick out despite the identity confusion. Keep reading after the jump.
J. Harvey has long found it prudent to be one of those entities that merely exist behind a keyboard, hidden in the shadows as a gossip purveyor and analyst. His co-editor, the vivacious and beautiful Lisa Timmons, has long been the public voice and face of A Socialite's Life - gracing our podcast Liquid Lunch and various video projects and appearances with her style and elegance. Until now. Here I am making an appearance on "The Daily Special, my new favorite webcast. "Hostess Kimberly Rae Miller had me on to comment on gossip in 2007 and what's to come in 2008. And damn do I need to put down the Ring Dings because my triple chin is working overtime! Anyway, here's what J. Harvey's like. Kind of like a gay deer in headlights with a head the size of a cereal box. There's a reason why we send Lisa out to events. Special thanks to Kimberly and the rest of the gang at "The Daily Special"! They rock, and be sure to check out their previous episodes ">here!
Hey guys. Happy Holidays and all that mess. It's time once more to help someone in need. This poor individual has written in to complain about a loudass co-worker. Join me, won't you?
Dear J,
How do you deal with the ever annoying co-worker who MUST come talk in all conversations (no matter if the conversations are with a friend or the boss) and constantly pops by your cube when you're obviously busy.
Oh, and who always turns the conversation into something about themselves (their health is bad, their cat is probably hungry, they got cut off by an angry driver, blah blah blah) and has a voice you can hear 40 cubicles away, so whatever you're talking about the entire floor of the company gets to hear.
I've taken to wearing headphones at work so I can tune this person out and keep them from popping into my cube and talking to me. (They see the headphones and keep walking... it's a good deterrent but I miss listening to my coworkers gab at times and have missed people asking me questions that pertain to my job).
Please help!!!
Sincerely,
'reaching for the headphones in the office'
I'm already feeling irritated for this person. Keep reading because I'm about to get cranky.
Hey team - it's that time again. Time for me to give advice that hopefully doesn't leave you divorced, pregnant or arrested. Or all three. This week, A Socialite's Life reader is intrigued by her best friend's sexuality. Let's take the skin boat to tuna town!
Dear J,
I'm pretty sure that my best friend is a lesbian. She hasn't told anyone yet (while sober anyway,) should I confront her at this point or continue to wait it out? I'm not really sure how to deal with it at this point seeing as all my gay male friends just kind of spit it out one day. I'm also pretty sure she's got a crush on me, which isn't returned, should I continue to pretend I don't know once she does come out?
Sincerely,
Brittany
Hop in your second date U-Haul full of furniture, Brit, and follow me after the jump!
Hey team! You have my sincere apologies. Last week, I was crazy busy with the coverage of the Gotham Awards in NYC. I'm still reeling. How does someone who grew up eating the generic Oreos called Hydrox get that intimate with gleaming celebrity icons? Laura Linney is so beautiful! Anyway, my coverage took the place of "Unqualified with J. Harvey". But I'm back and ready to deal with your psychosis! Just not mine. What's that, Jesus? You're right! I'm not crazy! I'm God's Avenger with a laptop!
Dear J,
I'm starting a new job next week and I'm pretty excited and scared about
it. I've been at my current job for almost 2 years and really love it,
but who the hell says "no" to a promotion?? Seriously.
Any advice for making a good impression on the new coworkers?
Yours truly,
Bella
Can J. Harvey help her? Keep reading after the jump!
Hey team, and Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow! Eat plenty of turkey and pie and mashed potatoes! And have many White Russians! Ri-Ri Harvey's making a feast and the boyfriend and I will be there front and center! Everyone be safe and have fun and eat until vomiting. If you're a supermodel, otherwise just lay there on the couch and watch movies and make fun of your relatives' wigs. Anyway, here's a cruise ship romance dilemma we need to work on!
Hello J.Harvey,
I can't believe I'm actually emailing you!!
I can barely believe it myself, sometimes...
Anyway i work on board a cruise ship and i recently met someone i got on really well with, he was so nice and kept telling me how perfect and beautiful i was. I don't usually go in for BS like that. The day he was due to leave he asked me for my number and my email address, i really hadn't expected him to keep in touch and wouldn't have minded if he's just gone on his merry way, but he said he would. Now 5 days later I'm checking my phone and email every minute, i can't stop thinking about it and it's driving me crazy. I wouldn't mind i didn't like him that much he was just good fun at the time, but the fact is he said he would get in touch and he hasn't. I know his email address, i think that telling him what i think would be the only way for me to get past obsessing about this, at the same time emailing him might make me look like a pathetic stalker who's been obsessing about this all the time.
What do you think do i email him and if so what do i say or do i not and then how do i get past it?????
Many thanks,
Candeese
More "Unqualified With J. Harvey" after the jump.
What up, team. I'm still recovering from all the poop talk from last week's column. Wow, people really felt strongly about that issue! I, for one, was a little grossed out and still want my ladies elegant and without rectums. Anyway, I received this letter which doesn't actually ask for advice but does give us a snapshot where some of our "A Socialte's Life" readers are coming from. I want this framed because I think I love this person. I want to have a beer with her, and tell her that her hair looks great. I don't know, I just feel some sort of kinship with this broad.
My heart aches when it comes to Amy Winehouse and Britney,
I believe Amy is so talented, and she use to look decent before her beehive days.....
Brit, is a great entertainer, i believe she loves her kids but HATES for people to tell her what to do.... I know I've been there. I got my s*h*i**t together, and I am happy w/my kids, I NEVER stopped loving them, it just hatted my mom telling me what to do... her planned caved in and *s*h**i**t fell on her face (and i am glad to say I DID NOTHING TO ASSIST W/her plan coming apart, I just think God was watching over me cause he knows and knew I was not wrong not really and I wasn't the train wreck she made me out to be, for starters I have a JOB and have a home, food for kids and me... and some left over cash for a beer or 2). OH in case you wanna know where the dad is, lets just say he makes K-FED look like Einstein, and since I went there, I think K-Fed is a decent guy, gold digger? maybe, but Brit handed it to him, hell I would of married her, and there is not a drop of Lesbo in me... but for the little he did and now gets 20k per month, shoot, shut my eyes and make that B, scream.... jejejejejejeje..... (I feel sick)
I still have an ok relationship w/my mom and she sees my kids daily, so it can be done, Brit just needs the right people in her life.
have you noticed that Brit's cousin, the assist, is no longer in the pic...
oh, so i want to stop caring about them 2 wrecks but it hurts to see them go down the drain
p.s. I LOVE YOU!!!! your dumb ass cracks me UP!!!!!!!!!!
a true fan
Lauren
By the way, "Lauren" is her "club name" or so she tells me. What's your club name? I want one. I'm thinking of rocking "Debbie Lipshitz" next time I'm getting my freak on. I LURVE this woman. I want to get my hair done with her and go for boneless buffalo wings at the 99 and meet her kids. My favorite part is "and *s*h**i**t fell on her face". Seriously, she was so happy that her mom's situation went toe-up that she had to put "shit" in asterisks to punctuate her glee. Either that or her ass is drunk and her fingers wouldn't obey for a moment. Lauren, if you're reading this...anytime you want to guest-write this column - you're on deck, baby. Talk to me.
Please continue to send your complaints, restraining orders, spare change, and transcripts of your last therapy session to harvey.advice@gmail.com! I love your letters! Seriously, this is swiftly becoming one of the best parts of my job.
Note to our readers, J. Harvey is in no way a counselor, advisor, professional, priest, or in any way qualified to be giving out advice. Please take it with a grain of salt and a sense of humor. In other words, don't sue.
Hey team! I need to explain that the recaps for "America's Next Top Model" and the very first "Project Runway" recap of the season are going to be late this week. You can look for them on Friday. Why? Because I'm headed to NYC to attend Tresemme and "New York" magazine's "Project Runway" premiere viewing party! And I'm probably going to be too damn drunk to write a recap until my hangover on Thursday night. Seriously, when you read in the Post about "Drunk troll stalks Tim Gun, passes out in front of Shake Shack in Madison Square Park while demanding it be opened"...uh, that will be me. So I hope my twelve recap readers can forgive me. Love to you all!
Hello everyone! This week I'm answering what is probably the grossest question I've been asked so far. Seriously, this one made me form my face into a moue of digust. But she's in trouble and needs some advice. I'm like a blog firefighter, and I will enter that burning building! Plus, I really like sliding down that pole.
What do you do if you're over at a new lover's home/apartment (or maybe they are over at your place) and perhaps you're hooking up for the first time, and you really want to see them again, and also you REALLY HAVE TO POOP. particularly if it's very small quarters like my apartments always are.... do you poop and risk the fact of your having pooped being exposed in any number of unpleasant ways? or do you hold it in and suffer in discomfort and risk possible also unpleasant gas passing?
please chime in. it's a dilemma i've struggled with for years.
ciao! and thanks in advance.....
kittt
Oh my dear god. For those of you not in the know, J. Harvey has a distaste for shit jokes. It's just a thing. Like when some people don't like the word "nipple" or can't bear the sound of nails on a chalkboard or the touch of silk. I wince at scatalogical material. I know, as a man (shut up, I am, too!) I'm supposed to appreciate fart jokes and the like. But it's never been my thing. I guess that DNA strand got traded for the Bea Arthur appreciation one. PLUS, the thought that women might actually have rectums and defecate ruins my world. Women - petite or large, pretty or plain, stylish or Wal*Mart - are all utterly beautiful and goddess-type creatures to me. Usually. I revere and respect them as the fairer sex. As long as they don't talk during the movie. There are only two things I request of them - A) don't show me your vagina (boobs are fine) and B) don't remind me that you take smashes in the bowl. But - this poor creature came to me for help and I will put aside my personal neuroses to aid her.
My advice? Don't let on to a man that you go #2 until there's a ring on that finger. You want to remain a creature of delicacy and beauty to him. No one wants a lady that sounds like the frat house after the how much can you eat at Taco Bell contest. Excuse yourself, and say you forgot to pick up a prescription or something and go around the corner to the Wendy's to take care of business. Trust me on this. But once you're married, let it fly. Not literally. I know it's sexist seeming but it's a tough world. And you know what - demand the same of him! You want a gentlemen, not a (literally) stank pig.
Please continue to send your threats, dream analyses, money orders, and suicide notes to harvey.advice@gmail.com! I love your letters!
Note to our readers, J. Harvey is in no way a counselor, advisor, professional, priest, or in any way qualified to be giving out advice. Please take it with a grain of salt and a sense of humor. In other words, don't sue.
Well, I didn't get sued the first time around. So I guess I can still do this legally. For now. This week, we have a fag hag who's unsure if her pal is gay or not and some girl who's kinda stank but I at least should thank her for writing in. Let's get to the letters!
Dear J,
I only want the best for my best friend. That's why I tell him that I will always love and care for him and want him to come out of the closet. He claims not to be gay. I am a platinum card carrying hag and I know these things.
Here's my case:
* He's HOT.
* He's creative and talented.
* He's funny.
* He's sweet.
* His favorite movie is the Devil Wears Prada.
* His favorite tune is a new remix of the classic gay anthem - Bronski Beat's "Why?"
* He's so excited about the new season of Project Runway.
* He loves kissing men.
Do you think he's gay?
Sincerely,
The Hag
Yep. A 1,000 times yes. The mere mention of his name and pink unicorns fly out of trees, ridden by drag queens imploring us to "turn it out" and leather daddies frolic through the Meadow of Marys with each other. Roman gladiators stop trying to kill each other and start making out and comparing hem length and guys who work at Abercrombie & Fitch gather en masse to purchase rainbow colored poodles. Seriously, I read that list and every sexual encounter I've ever had with a man came to mind. He's so gay that he makes me look straight, and I own a Barbie doll. Next! (Wait, what's he look like?)
My roommates used to be my best friends and now I hate them because I
see them way too many times in a day. The problem is we were the four
"it" girls in our little social circle, and being an it girl had its
benefits.It's inevitable that we will have a falling out very, very soon and my
status will probably severly downgraded. How do I adjust to being a loser and having no friends/no plans on friday nights/no girls envying me and wishing they were me?
sincerely,
um...i can't come up with a good fake name like "dangerously
depressed" so just make one up for me. thanks.
"Dangerously Depressed" works for me, sweetums. First off, if you're seriously "dangerously depressed", you need to talk to someone. People should kill themselves over something important, like the Red Sox not winning the World Series or Paris Hilton visiting your impoverished country. Not this foolishness. Secondly, uh, you hate them because you see them too many times a day? Well, either take your laptop to Starbuck's or get a TV for your bedroom or move the hell out. Thirdly, bitch when did you get so up on yourself? Confidence is good, but you don't need to sound like a douche! Take a step back and survey the situation. Are you scared you're gonna be downgraded because you're always talking about how people envy you? You should be scared! Be terrified. No one likes a Mean Girl. In fact, most people want to slap a Mean Girl upside the head, kill her, and ship the body to Guam. Take it down a notch, Paris.
Please continue to send your questions, stories, self-portraits, and checks to harvey.advice@gmail.com!
Note to our readers, J. Harvey is in no way a counselor, advisor, professional, priest, or in any way qualified to be giving out advice. Please take it with a grain of salt and a sense of humor. In other words, don't sue.
Hey gang! J. Harvey here! And welcome to the first edition of my brandy-new advice column! Where I'm sure to ruin many, many lives! Here's where you get to tell a completely unqualified person about your deepest and most distressing personal problems and have that person give you advice which is sure to possibly lead you astray or at the very least, in jail! And with that, let's get to our first letter!
Dearest J. Harvey,
I have a tiny problem. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years and our love life sucks. Everything else is great but I just don't want to "do the deed" and I don't know why. I love him and I want to be with him but sex just isn't something I think about anymore...and I'm not really sure why. For me it's a tiny problem...for him...more like an essential part to our relationship. I can't have pity sex, or sex just to make him happy cause that's just not my thing. What ever do I do?
Erica
I've been there before. Despite being a fully functioning sexual being, you're just not feeling it. Something about his tighty whities, or the nose picking or the lack of visible abs has totally killed your vaginal instincts towards him. Maybe you want to sleep with OTHER guys but not the one you love? What does that mean? Were you hurt years ago and learned never to associate sex with love? Hmm? My solution? Get drunk. Let me tell you this, a solid line of martinis can ease you right back into his pants. Booze brings out the slut in all of us. You'll be surprised at how good he looks through wavy lines of trashedness. Get a bottle of wine and go to town. And if that isn't doing it - maybe you two need to talk to someone or have that kind of relationship wherein you f*ck other people but are each other's date for weddings. Sex is an important part of a relationship but it isn't the only part. Ok, it is but we all gotta settle down sometime and he's a nice guy it sounds like. You might have to throw his some oral once in awhile. Yeah, I said it.
Wow. That wasn't so bad! My first piece of advice! God, she's gonna become a drunk. Please continue to send your questions, stories, dirty pictures, and wedding proposals to harvey.advice@gmail.com!
Note to our readers, J. Harvey is in no way a counselor, advisor, professional, priest, or in any way qualified to be giving out advice. Please take it with a grain of salt and a sense of humor. In other words, don't sue.
No, really. I'm going to be writing an advice column here at A Socialite's Life. Why? Well, because some wackjob mentioned it on a survey. No, I mean because we value our readers and life is hard and sometimes you just need someone to listen. And give you advice. Ok, it's probably not going to be GREAT advice. But maybe it will make you laugh or brighten your day. Because I am completely unqualified. I am not a therapist, or a counselor, priest nor information booth. I really have no piece of paper that says I am allowed to give advice. I'm just going to do it. So send your tales of woe, relationship problems, familial issues, trivia questions, riddles, pictures of your dog, sexual propositions, what have you to harvey.advice@gmail.com. And I will attempt to answer every single one of them. Because I don't have anything better to do. Shocking, eh?
p.s. As I mentioned to my publisher, this could end up like that episode of "WKRP in Cincinnati" when they let Jennifer the receptionist have an advice show on the air and she got some lady beaten up by her husband and was all traumatized. That's ALL I need.
Send me your questions: harvey.advice@gmail.com.
You’d think that with all the crazy behavior and lack of common sense displayed by Lindsay Lohan over the past six months, no movie production studio would touch her. But you’d be wrong.
Harvey Weinstein, the consummate Hollywood movie tycoon, said that LiLo is only going through a phase of her life, and that he’d be more than happy to hire her once she has her life under control.