Need help getting your head right? Hood psychologist Tionna Smalls is here to answer your questions. Ask Tionna! This week: a two-fer!
Dear Tionna,
I'm a lesbian. I've been dating this girl Suzanne on and off for close to three years. She's absolutely wonderful, possesses all the characteristics you'd desire in someone you want to be with long-term. I'm in love with her. Recently during an "off" period she got drunk and slept with a girl she'd been wanting to sleep with for a long time, who happens to be my ex-girlfriend Molly. Worse, Suzanne didn't tell me; I found out a few weeks after it happened from Molly. When I confronted Suzanne about it she said that she didn't want to tell me because it didn't mean anything. Suzanne and Molly work near each other, and whenever I go to pick up Suzanne from work we run into Molly. I want to punch Suzanne in the face because I feel so betrayed, since I would not even have known had Molly not told me! However, Suzanne insists it was a stupid one-time thing. I love her very much but I just can't bear the idea of Suzanne and Molly together.
Crying in Clinton Hill
Dear Crying in Clinton Hill,
First off, dry those tears! Tionna is here to help you. What Suzanne did was maddd wack. She broke the code; she messed with your ex girl. You said that this was someone that she wanted to get down and dirty with and you knew that. I have learned in my past with heavy drinkers that a drunk tongue speaks the truth, so her sleeping with Molly is something that she wanted to do and she did it.
I will give Suzanne some credit: she did admit that she cheated once she was busted. Most people don't! And Molly only told you because she's a hater and mad that you have moved on with your life and have someone new that you love and adore. Like you said, a person with the "characteristics."
Molly isn't really a threat. However, she can turn into one based on the fact that she works near Suzanne. But I think if you think Suzanne really has a thing for Molly and you still want Suzanne ... Do what my friend D did: Make it a 3-some relationship! People do it every day. They live in a relationship with three people. I am so serious and it works for them. Then you won't have to be stressed because you know everything. Think about it like this- you had sex with Molly, you had sex with Suzanne, Suzanne had sex with you, Suzanne had sex with Molly, Molly had sex with you, Molly had sex with Suzanne. Hell, y'all a team already and dont even know it. So why not reap the benefits of having two women since Molly is always around anyway.
But if you don't want anything to do with Molly at all in that way or can't face seeing them two being intimate around you, then end all ties with Molly and ask Suzanne to make a choice. I know it will hurt if she picks Molly over you but at least you will know what's up. See what happens. But I still think the triad thing would be a great idea.
Ooh, definitely let me know how this goes.
Tionna
Tionna,
I'm in a big problem. I've been seeing this guy for the past year; now it hasn't been the best of relationships but I've become emotionally attached and there are times i just want to walk away. I haven't met any of his close friends/family or really know that much about him. I've spend almost every night with him and in the past I've snooped ... YES ... I snooped and found e-mails/myspace messages and texts all that allude to the fact that he maybe cheated on me if not physically then definitely verbally. He has a Myspace and never approves any of my comments and hides his friends so i can't see them. Aside from that the relationship hasn't been that great. He stays home all of the time when he's not working and never goes out with me. Granted I haven't been with anyone else but I have gone out with other guys when he is to lazy and stays home. So you're probably wondering why I'm still with him. I guess i am too. Overall, he is a sweet guy and cares for me but he doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve.
So this past weekend I ran into his friends and of course they do not know me but through the power of Myspace i know who they are and what they look like. I told my b/f they were there and hitting on me...but i never once told them who i was since the b/f wouldn't like that so i remained a mystery. Meanwhile his good friend—a very hot friend—was hitting on me nonstop. I forgot what it was like to have some guy hit on me even if he just wanted to get in my panties. Oh I forgot to mention i was with a guy friend of mine who apparently liked me more than just a friend. So the guy (the friend of my b/f) asked for my number but I didn't give it to him instead I took his and danced the night away with him. Tionna, all I keep thinking about is this dude and i know it's wrong and I'm not that slutty girl that breaks up friendships or any of that but i think I'm fascinated with something NEW and EXCITING and I'm tempted every day to just pick up the phone and call him.
Please help..what would you do?
ttyl - LP
Dear LP,
Your problem really isn't a big problem but many women go through these same issues. First, you never met any of his family or close friends, then you snooped into his email/Myspace (a no-no), then you assumed that he has cheated on you based on your snooping. LMAO.
First off, let be the first to tell you that Myspace is a relationship killer. When I was a freshman in college, I took a class on Internet and Identity and you know what the whole thesis of the class was that people's identities change when their real one is shielded by the computer. So what you may think is "cheating" is what we call in the hood "Myspace G." That is G meaning game. Everyone on Myspace plays a game. That's why so many people love it. You can be whatever you want on Myspace; a baller, a single guy, a singer, whatever. Its all game so don't assume he's cheating on you from that bullcrap.
Another thing is, theres no such thing as verbal cheating. Verbally, we can say what the hell we want. That doesn't mean that we mean it. If he's online telling some chick yeah, we gotta hook up or whatever, that doesn't mean anything. I have over 4,000 friends on Myspace and get plenty of messages of men saying what they would and wouldn't do to me because I can't do anything to them, they don't know my ass. So who cares? That's how people think. If talking was a sin, we would all be in hell right now—feel me?
So don't use that against him and stop snooping! That is corny and we always end up being the ones hurt by that (I have learned that the hard way) and now it's something you can pass along to someone else.
Lastly, your man forgot that what he doesn't do another man will be happy and willing to do in a hot NY minute. But you can't teach him that by taking his friend's number on the low. All that does is make you seem like a skeet and maybe that's why he didn't want to introduce you to his friends in the first place. Communication is the key in any relationship, so go and talk it out with him. Put everything on the table and if his response doesn't bring closure to the problem, leave his laid back ass alone.
Good luck and keep in touch,
Tionna
Come on, just ask her!