I don't know if this happened because no one has money so sales are very important, or if no one realizes that no one has money so buying things, no matter the cost, is still very important. But, it happened. A Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death early this morning during a Black Friday shopping stampede on Long Island. The man was a 34-year-old stockroom employee of the super store, who was trying to keep a bargain-crazed horde at bay. In the end they proved too strong for him.
"He was bum-rushed by 200 people," said Jimmy Overby, 43, a co-worker. "They took the doors off the hinges. He was trampled and killed in front of me. They took me down too...I literally had to fight people off my back."
A 28-year-old pregnant lady was also knocked down in the frenzy. The good news is that most people got that cheap XBox that Ricky wanted, and the "My First Sex Scandal" karaoke microphone/dildo that Amber was desperate for. So the young man didn't die in vain. What were we just saying?
Before police shut down the store, eager shoppers streamed past emergency crews as they worked furiously to save the store clerk's life.
"They were working on him, but you could see he was dead, said Halcyon Alexander, 29. "People were still coming through."
Only a few stopped.
"They're savages," said shopper Kimberly Cribbs, 27. "It's sad. It's terrible."
As Lewis Black harangued about 
Scientists are talking about how a "living mammoth could perhaps be regenerated for as little as $10 million," 
"The biggest booty ever taken on the high seas... the Sirius Star was heading towards Eyl, a notorious pirate haven." The London Times' breathlessly-reported version of 
Eliot Spitzer, you fool. You could have been a contender! When Spitzer 
"Something has to happen for us to make fun of. Unlike the actual news, what we say is based in fact." From Daily Show writer J. R. Havlan, about the inevitability of comedians making fun of Obama. [
In case you didn't obsessively compare election results to his site in real time, it's worth noting that baseball stat whiz Nate Silver wholly justified his 
Actor Mark Boone Junior (yeah, we didn't know who he was either) went to Bardot last night and made a grand entrance on his motorcycle. What is he famous for you ask? Well, as it turns out, Mark has actually been in a lot of movies and TV shows, but he hasn't yet attained George Clooney status.
Hmm wonder why?
“Crystal meth. Me, personally, that’s how I’m going to do it.” McCain adviser Mark Salter when asked how he was going to make it through the grueling last day of the presidential campaign. [
Joan Didion is sick and tired of Barack Obama and John McCain, but will still have her media heroes after the election is over: "The increasing destabilization of the economy was already clear—an average of 81,000 jobs a month were lost all through the summer—but discussion of how to resolve the bleeding still centered on such familiar favorites as tort reform. This word 'reform' kept resurfacing, but the question of who exactly was to be reformed was left to be explored mainly on The View, by Barbara Walters." [
To our great disappointment, media heiress and
Some people see gossip as a nasty vice that should be curbed. Not us! 
Or computer program or whatever. Not like we need anyone to tell us, really, but actor James Franco has the most perfect face in the world. So says science, at least. A new computer program uses mathematical formulas to take one photo (left) and turn it into a more traditionally aesthetically pleasing face (right). And, um, Franco's face pretty much stayed exactly the same when the New York Times conducted the experiment. So good for him. Getting his MFA, has movie star riches, and is, as proven by science, perfect looking. Now if he could just get rid of those 
...when you cross Ellen DeGeneres and Danny Bonaduce?
Boris Becker! The tennis great was in Paris the other day watching his lovely fiancee Alessandra Meyer-Wolden strut down the catwalk for the Talbot Runhof 2009 Spring/Summer fashion show.
Though there's no doubt that the 24-year-old Anna Kournikova/Jenna Jameson look-alike is cute, her presence in the fashion industry is debatable. If she was a legit fashion model, we have the feeling she wouldn't be hitting the runway in a prom dress with a baby blue bow the size of a dictionary attached to her head.
Right?
“Jackson, Lincoln, Truman, Eisenhower, Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan and Clinton were born to ordinary families, but they spent their lives doing extraordinary things, demonstrating an interest in, and a curiosity about, the world around them. This is much less evident in Palin’s case.” — Newsweek via 
Seinfeld star Michael Richards was in Santa Monica the other day, and it appears as though he stole a look Reese Witherspoon 
Is Sarah Palin ovulating? It's a personal question, but we need to know. Last year, a 
If she wasn't, she certainly should have been!
Christina Hendricks, star of Best Drama Series winner Mad Men showed off her girls on the red carpet. Although she plays the office sexpot, she's certainly never showed them off like that on the 60s era show!
She IS a fuller-figured gal -- but is that fuller figure surgically enhanced or au naturel?
I think I'm gonna go with real on this one!
Every election season, commentators trot out the old statistics about how more education makes people more likely to support Democrats, more studies are published on how liberal Daily Show viewers are so well-informed, and various smart people try to explain why anyone would ever vote for a Republican, against their "self-interest." This month has seen three alarming and remarkable scientific investigations into Americans' inexplicable habit of voting for George Bush and John McCain. Which means: trend! Hooray! Let's take a look at what America's top scienticians say about fucking idiot flyover losers and their stupid voting:
Attention, teenage girls: all that talking to your friends is bad for you. So stop it! That's not just what everybody, from your geeky classmates to your dad to strangers trapped on subway trains with you thinks; it's the doctor's advice! 
O Great Internet, what silly and almost nonsensical story do you have for us today? Ah, one about Twitter and the excellent AMC drama series Mad Men. For a couple of weeks now, "employees" at the fictional advertising agency Sterling Cooper have been sending Twitter messages to each other and other users, hinting at events on the show and just creating a sort of second internet world for the series. And now, of course, people have intervened and the whole thing has been shut down. 
Seriously, enough with the baby news! This week, Ricky Martin 
You thought that all American Apparel clothing was inspired by Dov Charney's endless parade of
Ryan Cabrera was at Mood on Sunday night, which brings up a few questions. Who even goes to Mood anymore? What happened to Ryan Cabrera's hair? Why is Ryan dressing like Samantha Ronson?
Back in the day, Ryan used to be cute reasonably attractive. Though I'm not a huge fan of hair that resembles a pineapple, the spiky highlights looked better than the curly dark mop he's currently rocking.
At least 
We caught up with Roseanne Barr at the airport the other day, and it looks like she packed something she should have just left at home. The former sitcom star was traveling with a large bottle of hemp lotion, which is great for your skin, but the size didn't meet TSA's strict 3 ounce size requirement. Oops!
Whew, good thing they got past airport security!
Photo courtesy of SP of Atlantic Records
Don't expect to see Sean Paul Get Busy any time soon - the reggae star got himself arrested for possession last night at a Swedish reggae festival!
Wait... Swedish reggae festival? Really? Well, okay...
Photo courtesy of SP of Atlantic Records
Anyway, X17 is hearing that Sean Paul and several other artists were searched by police and arrested for drug possession after performing at the 
Say what you will about John Lithgow, but he's certainly not one to follow trends - just check out the cap he wore out in New York yesterday! Hey, it takes a lot of courage to sport such, uh, unique headwear out in public - our hats are off to you, John!
What's up, John?
JoJo Levesque tells 
We just had an earthquake in LA, y'all!
A 5.8, to be exact, and we TOTES felt it in our X17 offices in Beverly Hills - WTF! Think any celebs felt it, too? We hope everyone's okay!
The Ivy tends to be pretty permissive when it comes to its celebrity patrons - unless, of course, they bring their cats!
We spotted Barry Williams and Cindy Olsen (better known as The Brady Bunch's Greg and Cindy) getting turned away from the notorious celebrity eatery yesterday - and it's all because they brought their pet kitties along for lunch. Guess the kitchen must have run out of Kibble!
Thankfully, the cat certainly didn't have Barry or Cindy's tongue - they stayed out front of the restaurant posing for photos and speaking up for their kitties' rights. Who's cuter - the Bradys or their pets?
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This bunch sticks together!
Former child star Corey Feldman recently turned 37 - I know, right? - and celebrated the occasion in Vegas this weekend at the Bellagio's Bank nightclub with wife Susie...
Is this really the same kid I loved so much in Gremlins, The Goonies and Stand by Me? I guess so - after all, it looks like he's still wearing the same outfits he did back in 1987!
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Hey, it could be worse - you could be Corey Haim!
We haven't yet reached the part of the campaign when people accuse Barack Obama of being a Hollywood Liberal or what-have-you and insinuate that he spends far too much time hanging out with godless celebrities, but this year we look forward to it. Because old man John McCain has been a friend of the limousine liberal set for so long! Remember when Arianna Huffington revealed that 
With only a few days left before her court-ordered trip to the 
Think they'll let her bring those gladiators into the joint?
A Yale professor of physiology has scientifically proven that's impossible to get drunk on beer. It's true! The numbers don't lie! So drink away, citizens—at work, at home, at breakfast, anytime! Of course, there's a catch: this scientician decided this